99 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
99 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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The Party Boys Handbook:
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Seven twisted, demented tales of survival
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1. Frank and Joe Pack Survival Kits
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"I'm sure glad Dad's out of town this weekend," Frank said as he swerved
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into the garage, and slumped over the steering column.
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"So am I," Joe agreed, shaking Frank to rouse him from his intoxicated
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state. "Even though we learned alot in the Boy Scouts, you can't beat the
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weekend parties that we have."
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"How true!" Frank stumbled into the house. "Weekends really tought me
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the basic priorities of life: Tequila, peyote and columbian tapdancing
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powder."
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"A human being can live for three minutes without air, three days without
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water and three WEEKS without food. But we can't go three seconds without a
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pop or a hit. I call it the 'Rule of Three.'"
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Frank winked at his younger brother teasingly. "And it never takes you
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more than THREE beers to get tanked!"
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Joe grinned sheepishly, then answered, "That's because I never drink beer
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unless I've already done three tabs of acid. Three glasses of WATER could
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get me tanked when I'm tripping."
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"That's amusing." Frank belched out. "Learning how much fun it is to
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provide beer mixer to counteract the LSD and keep your reaction complex as
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normal as possible."
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"Amusing, but exciting too," Joe answered, "to think how swiftly our
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minds react when we do LSD AND beer. And to realize that then we can't make
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wise decisions for ourselves, that we can become so... so FUCKED UP!"
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"Right," Frank replied, "but thanks to last weekend, we now know what the
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real priorities of life are and, regardles of circumstances, how to provide
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for them." He hesitated. "And how important it is that we carry survival
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kits so we can take care of ourselves on Sundays or if BayVille goes dry or
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something."
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Joe, scratching his butt, nodded in agreement.
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"Let's see now -- have we got everything we need to put the survival kits
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together?" He faced Frank across the kitchen table. Carefully, they
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scrutinized the jumble of illegal substances spread out before them. Some of
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the things were from Mom and Dad's liquor cabinet, but the boys had bought
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most of the loot that afternoon, from Chet, their connection.
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"It sure looks like it," Joe answered. "So let's get busy and start with
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the small pocket kits."
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Frank grinned at his younger brother. "Why don't you read off what's on
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that list in Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's novel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,
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and I'll put each item aside, one for you and one for me."
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"Okay," said Joe, retreiving the novel from under a floorboard. "The first
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thing is a container in which to carry everything."
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Frank nodded as he placed two 'Mr. T' lunchboxes at one end of the table.
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"Item two, two plastic bags of fine Brazilian shake," Joe read as Frank
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measured the portions from a plastic lawn bag filled with two kilos of
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marijuana.
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"Next, two grams of cocaine -- wait, I don't trust you with that," joe
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said.
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The boys cut and measured two two-gram portions of coke, which they stowed
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with the other articles. Joe picked up the coke and grass and said, "It's
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hard to believe that THIS can bring on an adequate high."
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"Not if you stretch the word ADEQUATE," Frank responded, winking. "This is
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a SURVIVAL kit we're putting together, not a week-long euphoria outfit."
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"That's right," Joe laughed. "I'm too wasted to think straight... Okay,
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what's next? A metal "Sneak-a-toke" pipe and a nip of Everclear."
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"Got 'em," Frank said, and added, "This sneak-a-toke is a great gadget."
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He held up the tiny pipe. "No smoke escapes the chambe, so you get WICKED
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wasted off just one hit! But when Dr. Thompson reccomended using Everclear to
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mix with the pot, he really surprised me."
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"Me too," agreed Joe, "but he's right. You want something that'll set you
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on fire even when you're high, and no other booze will do that. Hey, are you
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sure that our brand is good enough?"
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"Yes," Frank quipped, holding up the bottle. Joe read the label aloud: VERY
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FINE TRIPLE-X EVERCLEAR ( 190 PROOF ). He watched as Frank uncorked one bottle
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and swigged it down.
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"Now what?" He asked as Joe consulted the list.
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"Lighters," Joe replied.
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Frank added two "Side Swipe" pipe lighters to the sneak-a-tokes. "Fun and
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